In Blood, In Love
by quickand2thepointless
Summary: The flowing blood whispered, 'Even if you defy your destiny, protect that person.' Is the blood Kurogane gives to Fai a show of love, or just a mockery of it? Can someone searching for death accept the unwanted gift of life? KuroFai one-shot.


**A/N: **Well, it seems I have written another angsty KuroFai story. Yay! The inspiration from this one came from the quote on one of the splash pages, the one with Kamui and Fai during the Tokyo arc. After writing _Sympathy_, I wanted to continue on with their relationship from that story past the Tokyo arc and into Infinity/Pre-Celes territory. So you can look at this as a kind of successor to _Sympathy_, continuing off with the emotions left behind there. Maybe I could also eventually write something on Celes and Nihon... we'll have to see if the muse strikes! As for now, enjoy!

**Rating: **T, for angsty Fai angst. And blood.

**Timeline/Spoilers: **Spoilers for Tokyo, slight spoilers for Celes. Timeline is around Infinity world, and definitely before Celes.

**Disclaimer: **Kurogane and Fai belong to one another. Oh, and CLAMP.

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"Here," Kurogane says, extending his arm. Blood drips from his wrist enticingly, spotting the ground beneath their feet in crimson. It smells wonderful, like juice dripping from an apple, like a sumptuous feast laid out in front of a man dying of hunger. Fai can't keep himself from licking his lips, even as he does his best to resist the urge to accept the offering in front of him. This blood should not be so beautiful to him. The sight of Kurogane quietly enduring pain should not arouse such a pitiful, animalistic hunger in him, as if what is happening between them is something passionate and intimate, something akin to the twisted appetite of love.

Fai closes his eyes and fights against the instinct. _This isn't what I wanted, _he reminds himself. _I wanted to die. This choice, this hunger isn't mine._

He can hear Kurogane taking a step closer to him, the blood still slipping from his wound and pricking at his senses. The ninja says nothing, as is his habit now. From the moment he had saved Fai's life against his will and the mage had been forced to put a newer, more certain line of distance into place, their interactions have become a silent, bitter war between them. When the situation forces them to speak, it is as if they are enemies on opposite sides of a battlefield, undermining and unraveling each other's reasons to fight with their words. Fai does not hate Kurogane— it is himself he hates, his life itself that he curses over and over in his mind— but he knows the moment he opens his heart again to the possibility of happiness, something else will come to destroy it, and Kurogane will be lost forever in the consequences of the selfish wishes in his heart which make happiness an impossibility.

"Are you planning on starving yourself?" Kurogane asks. "Or are you enjoying having me bleed for no purpose?"

"I'm not interested in having anything, at the moment," Fai says indifferently, turning his head away from the alluring scent of Kurogane's blood soaked skin. "And I didn't ask you to cut yourself for me, _Kurogane_."

"Looking in your eyes is all it takes for me to know when you're hungry." Kurogane draws a finger through his wound, and pushes it against Fai's lips. "Don't waste your time and mine by denying yourself what you want."

_When has this ever been what I wanted? _Fai's tongue snakes out briefly for a moment to taste the sharp and luscious tang of the blood on the pad of Kurogane's finger. _When did I ever wish to be like a monster, feeding off of you? What I wanted was for you not to get involved, for you not to do things like this on my behalf when I... when all I will ever do is hurt you._

"Have the rest," Kurogane says, looking into Fai's lidded eyes as he once again extends his wrist. "Your eyes are still hungry."

"Hungry," Fai echoes flatly. How disgusting that the foolish longing he had felt for Kurogane had been transformed into _this_. Primal hunger, an art of give and take that he had not consented to. Maybe Kurogane thought it was an acceptable price to pay to keep him alive, but Fai can't bear the thought of this particular tie binding them together. How can he let the man he will one day betray force his lifeblood down his throat and give of himself to sustain the existence of a liar and a fake, the type of person he hates the most?

"Aren't you?" Kurogane asks, scowling. "Don't you feel how intensely you want it?"

Fai shivers. "You shouldn't speak like that to me, you know."

"I'll do as I please. I've had enough of you doing whatever the hell you want, pretending no one around you understands. Do you really think this is how I wanted things to be, too?"

He raises his wrist even higher, dangling it beneath Fai's lips, too close for Fai to resist. Lowering his head, he wraps his mouth around the wound, drinking deeply of Kurogane's sacrifice and tasting the mockery of intimacy that had been forced upon him. No matter how intensely he wants this taste, what he wants even more can never be reached. The pulse surging under Kurogane's skin is not meant for him, and he knows it all too well. _Love is an emotion for everyone else except for me, _he reminds himself. _How can someone who cannot bear to live bear to love? How can one heart thirst for life and death and love all at the same time? It's a wish that will never come true, a wish not meant to be spoken aloud._

When he finishes, he draws away and looks up into Kurogane's crimson eyes. There is no smile to them, but there is certainty, a sense that he knows exactly what is on Fai's mind and thinks the less of him for it. That is how it has always been between them. Fai has never been certain of anything in his life, but Kurogane has long possessed strength enough to believe in what he wants, and to want without questioning. His determination is so strong that weak resolve like Fai's must be disgusting to him. Fai wipes a smear of blood away from his mouth, watching Kurogane glare down at him. He really must look like an animal to Kurogane, a beast without even a survival instinct to make him worth regarding.

Kurogane sighs and rubs his forehead. "You know, you've pretended to be an idiot for so long that I think you've finally got the act down."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm trying to say that you can't even see what's in front of you without misunderstanding it." He points to the scar on his wrist where Fai had licked the wound to heal it. "What do you think this is?"

"A scar."

"I mean, what do you think this act between us is?"

"A sham."

Kurogane lifts an eyebrow. "Of what?"

"Of closeness. Of..."

"Love?"

Fai winces and jerks back as if in pain. "Not that."

"Why not? Can an idiotic brain like yours not grasp the concept?"

"Syaoran-kun and Sakura-chan are the kind of people who love was made for. For people like me, love is..." He trails off, thinking of his younger self locked away in the tower, waiting for someone to take him away. "Love is a dream."

"The kid and the princess, huh? So to you, it's giving up your most precious thing to protect that which you've sworn to protect, just like the kid? Or is it moving forward to make something new to replace something lost, like the princess?" He leans forward, placing a hand against Fai's chest, nearby his heart. "Or is it the battle going on inside of you? For you, is that it?"

Fai's breath catches, but he says nothing. It doesn't matter what his idea of love is. All that matters is love isn't his, and he can't reach the heart of it no matter how badly he hungers.

Kurogane moves his hand, and traces along the path of his scar with the other. "I don't fight to keep things at my side that don't need to be there," he says bluntly. "For things that don't mean anything to me, I don't care if they live or die, as long as the important things are kept safe. And I don't interfere with the choices of anyone, unless their choices go against the things I wish for. That's what this is for me. I don't make you take this because I want you to do things you don't wish for yourself."

"Then why?" Fai asks softly, bowing his head.

"Every drop of this blood that keeps you alive fulfills the promise I made when I took this path."

"I thought the only promise you made was to Tomoyo-hime. To go back home."

"I can have more than one promise. Even if I defy my own destiny, I will protect the person that I spilled this blood for. Call it whatever you like, but it is a sham of _nothing_."

Fai stares at him, his mouth falling open. _This thing... this exchange between us is love? This sacrifice, this hunger, this insatiable want... all of these add up together and insensibly make love?_

"I don't understand," he whispers. "How can something like this be made into something like that?"

"I don't expect you to understand," Kurogane says gruffly. "You're still an idiot right now, and you don't even know what you want or what you need to protect. But you will."

"I will?"

"With time. And until then, don't forget." He draws his finger along the edge of Fai's lip. "I'm not going to let you die, not unless all hope is lost."

_But what I want most of all is to die, _a voice echoes in Fai's head. _If you love me, would you deny me that?_

A more familiar voice laughs the other off, brusque and yet gentle. _But what if it isn't what you want, after all? What you always asked for in the secret places of your heart was to find someone who can love you. Now that the possibility is in your hands, will you really run away?_

_ Oh, yes. Running is easier. At the very least, it's easier than this._

He closes his eyes. It is necessary to live for now, but that doesn't mean that there is a point to truly _living_. It is too much. The gravity of it, of accepting the life Kurogane wishes for him, is enough to crush and break his heart.

But the blood, his blood and Kurogane's intermingled in his veins, whispers to him as it flows and stirs through his heart. _Even if you defy your destiny, protect that person. With what love you have inside, love that person enough to keep him safe when the moment of fate will come. _


End file.
